Wing to wing and oar to oar

Disgruntled that I haven't found the perfect wedding present for Clara. Didn't want to buy those cliched figurines of an old couple. The bridesmaids gods were smiling on me, I found a card made of jigsaw puzzles that allowed space for writing on it. Before I see her tonight for her tea ceremony, have surfed and found at least...the perfect wedding verse (that unfortunately has to be written in my ugly handwriting):

Two such as you with such a master speed cannot be parted nor be swept away from one another once you are agreed that life is only life forevermore together wing to wing and oar to oar.
~ Robert Frost

One of my oldest friends to get married, may you both always stride in sync - wing to wing and oar to oar.
(Don't worry, I still have angbao for you :P )

Siblings

Helen (colleague) started her email as "Hey siblings..."

*turns all warm & fuzzy, like a cat that had just been sayanged*

Who would have thought? It's been only ten months and I have found myself a new home in Shanghai.

Explaining irrationality

me: can u explain to me why i like him? feels so ir­ra­tion­al

D: what has ration got to do with this, miss?
i would be worried if there were indeed rational reasons
cos it would mean you were not ms yan anymore
suddenly turned from yan to Rational person 1 if you know what i mean

me: ahahahha

D: so you do know what i mean

me: but if u like someone it must be for some qualities right?

D: you like him cos he is ...
cos he is .....
jus so mad­den­ingly right
just so easy to like
just so easy to talk to
just so easy to be around
to hold hands with

me: but sometimes i wonder if just enough to like him ....yeah like that

D: to cuddle up to

me: but is that right?

D: not only is that right
it is the only thing that matters
if not got that, then got nothing
if got that, then need nothing else
someone like that, one can love for life
if he is indeed all of that
that i dunno
that only you can say
he made me a bit mad with his stupid in­de­cision
and moronic com­par­is­on
but what do i know
not much
seems clear you cannot get him out of your kitty mind

me: well ap­par­ently the girl went to look for him on thursday

D: despite your trying hard to get angry at him
wah rao
yah but that means little
she probably wants to reject him again
tease him a bit
some gers are liddat
as are some guys

me: so am i default choice?

D: they miss the attention
ms yan, some­times, arh, just sometimes
what matters to you matters more than what matters to him
so never mind if default choice, or rebound or got no other option or whatever
if he is right for you
then worth fighting for

me: but i don't want to be default choice

D: but ms yan that is thinking of the past
not of the future

me: how do you even know what is right...maybe it's just an illusion

D: well, then yah
we know nothing at all
and may as well die
mebbe it is indeed all an illusion
ever­yth­ing in this world
this great line in that moviea bout schizo­phrenia i told you about
the schizo ger asks her step sister
how would you feel if i told you were not really a physics prof?
that it was all make believe
but as long as we are not in that philo­soph­ic­al realm
as long as we still got craving for durian
still wanna go visit india again sometime
and mebbe even blog about it this time
then we are on plain old earth
where it is all too real
painfully real
not many choices
and all are real choices
you have seena lot of the world oredy
had preggie scare even
seen, hugged, kissed many guys (ok i ex­ag­ger­ate that a bit)
so if anyone knows real, you do
you do now, or you never will

*brain ticking, coils turning, too much to think about*
It would be so nice if my life could be compartmentalized when one could be sure what colour is each emotion and code it nicely in a file box

Nicest compliment I've received so far in 2006

Someone said I had a "lovely soul", has a nice ring to it doesn't it?

Search engines & the day before valentine's

It's only 10am in the morning, was contentedly eating breakfast and gloating that everyone says I've lost weight...while working of course (am multi-tasking queen). Was searching for pictures with optical illusions so i typed "old man and old woman double image". Seems innocuous enough right? Nooooo..... first on the list that appeared in google became "Needee.com, free sex movie galleries and porn pictures". and the list went on......Too much on a monday morning.

%%%%%%

Am freaking out. Friend 1 and friend 2 are getting married. Classmate CT is already married. All same age as me. All thinking of starting families soon. Am so far outlying out of the standard normal curve and still drifting, wandering. These ideas are as distant to me as the Sun sprouting plants. Or maybe I'm just a cynic. One of the coolest ladies I've met married her first boyfriend (of ten years), weathered two affairs; of which in the second he walked away from her and their two daughters. A man I know is still cheating on his wife whom he has met and professed to love for ten years as well.

What does time mean? Nothing.

Met a few guys are a party at the other day. They probably all have girlfriends (I have very good eavesdropping, i mean, listening skills). But as soon as they're in China, they have met up with so many countless girls and flirting. Even trying to hit on me. Though I think it's hilarious cos they are quite funny and possibly nice guys (since my friend Carol knows them), but I can't help but feel cynical all over again. Back home they're probably honest, down to earth guys, loving boyfriends. Here in China, it's a whole new ball game.

What does a verbal or legal promise mean? Nothing.

%%%%%%

My internet lover got hurt yesterday. Both physically and emotionally. Was crying over the screen when she typed her story out. I'm sorry I can't be there girl. I'm sorry.

%%%%%%

Shanghai friend 1 says she's almost fallen in love. Operative word is almost. She's only known this guy for a week? Like I said just lines before, it's not about the time. But it's also about time - quality time. What would we know about love if we don't even know if we want to be there when he falls? Or love a person's spirit or soul even when pot bellies appear, butts sag and knees buckle?

Oh by the way, I'm cynical romantic at heart, however contradicting that is. My friend has allowed me to share a love story between him and his wife which I'll write tomorrow. He's always reminded me of someone quite rational and logical, guess I should have guessed his more passionate side when he starts speaking about saving the world, well...saving Singapore (though he's changed his mind for now). Gawd, so difficult to mask identities *faint*

Delete

xxx says: slowly trying to get him out of system
xxx says: slowly
sleepy kitty says: just tell yourself to stop meeting him and seeing him and block him and delete him

If only we could stop meeting them in dreams, seeing them in familiar places, block their words from whispering in our ears and have a handy 'delete' button etched in our hearts.

God should have taken more than seven days and more than a rib bone to give us more gadgets like these *tongue firmly in cheek*

e.e cummings

From the guy whose poem "I carry your heart" appeared in the movie "In her shoes".

***

may i feel said he
(i'll squeal said she
just once said he)
it's fun said she


(may i touch said he
how much said she
a lot said he)
why not said she


(let's go said he
not too far said she
what's too far said he
where you are said she)


may i stay said he
(which way said she
like this said he
if you kiss said she


may i move said he
is it love said she)
if you're willing said he
(but you're killing said she


but it's life said he
but your wife said she
now said he)
how said she


(tiptop said he
don't stop said she
oh no said he)
go slow said she


(come?said he
ummm said she)
you're divine!said he
(you are Mine said she)

***

may my heart always be open to little

may my heart always be open to little
birds who are the secrets of living
whatever they sing is better than to know
and if men should not hear them men are old

may my mind stroll about hungry
and fearless and thirsty and supple
and even if it's sunday may i be wrong
for whenever men are right they are not young

and may myself do nothing usefully
and love yourself so more than truly
there's never been quite such a fool who could fail
pulling all the sky over him with one smile

Texted parental units to enquire if they back home safe. Dad called to report turbulence on MU that lasted for an unusually long time. Despite all my complaints, it made my heart stop for a second. When I go on air travel, I just close my eyes and hope for the best. I've always lived according how I want, and in the past year, even more so. Holly Golightly, yes I am. Somehow when it comes to parental units, the fear of them dying was no less than when it dawned on me at 6 that one day they would be not around.

***

Amazing how much I speak to myself, have multiple conversations with myself about conversations with other people. Spoke to friends over MSN yesterday and realised how difficult it was to emphathise with their situation. Ended up feeling frustrated (not to mention already exhausted from working) at the situation. How does one send hugs or sincere words of comfort through electronic communication? Or when the other person is typing too fast for your moggled up brain to comprehend?

***

Self-amusement of the day: imagining everyone around me was a giant marshmallow. We're all wearing thick, poofy down jackets to ward against the cold. Nobody feels real pain when we bump into each other. Had an out of body experience of observing myself tottering around top heavy in my thin heels and so unbalanced made me grin. Had to catch myself in time, cannot seem demented. Just a few months ago in Nanjing I was amused by the same thing. Was wearing my marshmallow jacket as well and spied Tina stand there dazedly staring into space and decided to experiment my warped daydreams on her. I proceeded to jump and bounce into her to see if we would both mysteriously be repel from each another like rubber balls. Unfortunately that didn't happen. Fortunately she didn't fall. We laughed like crazy for the longest time.

***

Tina dressed up today. We shared knowing grins. She is going to moderate an all male group later, which explains the attention paid to what she's wearing (I feel i need to qualify she's already good looking without all that). Though we always joke that we must take note of the eligible bachelors, it was far from the truth. The truth is, we need to appear feminine enough to appeal to their hero-saving-the-damsel-in-distress instincts in them. Stroke their egos, pay them attention, right amount of eye contact & smiles and listen. Actually that applies to all forms of moderation and even daily human interaction. Just that men's buttons are a little easier to push *evil laugh*

Disclaimer: I do none of the above to my friends. Games like these should only be played at work or at people who aren't friends.

***

Inner only child screaming

I'm secretly glad my parents are leaving tomorrow.

My mom can finally stop mothering over me by forcing me to eat pills that would detoxify my system and make me poop. And you wonder where I get my obsession of toilets from when it dominates my conversations like that. Well...better that than all the personal stuff she tries to dig out from me.

"I share the distress of the Muslim friends who feel that the cartoon offends their religion. I also respect the right of freedom of speech. But of course freedom of speech is never absolute. It entails responsibility and judgment." - Kofi Annan

Have to ask Dian how she feels about it and read about European Enlightenment to fully understand this deep defense over freedom of speech. This comes in light of many months of reading about a new term coined 'Islamophobia' and Britain's unsuccessful move to legislate Racial and Religious Hatred Bill.

Eyes are tearing from reading so many articles on the uproar caused by these caricatures (managed to get hold of the images on Google no less). Here are two articles whichI found were more balanced.

Will also have to write more about my recent interactions with my Indonesian colleagues who spoke so candidly about their view on Islam.

On a totally irrelevant note, I wish someone would pay me to read. Will miss all this free time to catch up on news, update my blog, watch tv and curl up to take naps at my whim.

Brave Beret

Light reflecting hat

The beret was the only thing that stopped me from full-on grumpiness at having to hail two cabs (don't ask me why but it was mission impossible!) at People's Square while my toes and fingers had no feeling whatsoever. No one (corrected: from a tropical climate for their most of their lives) in their right mind could stay cheerful standing in that kind of cold. NO ONE.

Thus, the story of the brave beret. And her taking the limelight by reflecting all light away from my face. She's the star tonight and for the rest of winter.

Vikram Seth

Promise

I will be easy company; the blur
Of what I longed for once will fade to space.
No thought that could discomfort you will stir.
My eyes will painlessly survey your face.

...

Unclaimed

To make love with a stranger is the best.
There is no riddle and there is no test.

To lie and love, not aching to make sense
Of this night in the mesh of reference.

To touch, unclaimed by fear of imminent day,
And understand, as only strangers may.

To feel the beat of foreign heart to heart
Preferring neither to prolong nor part.

To rest within the unknown arms and know
That this is all there is; that this is so.

...

Unhealthy obsession with books. If there is one thing I do collect (other than shoes, heels to be exact) it's books. This, this or this?

Delicate - Damien Rice

At 3am last night.

They say there are some things in life we never forget. The boy you whom side you sat by when you were 10 years old, listening to him play the piano while nurturing the first buds of puppy love. Managing to ride a bicycle in a wobbly manner but always saying you can’t just because you’re afraid of risking another sprained ankle. Butterflies during first kisses. Pulling your grandmother’s sagging skin while sitting beside her wheelchair. Seeing your father tearing for an instant, it was almost an illusion. Exhilarated from being miles and miles away from home, masquerading as a lone explorer; and despite all the unlucky things that happened, still managing to catch the flight home. Bursting in your chest when you see fireworks, cats, birds soaring. The people who were beside you through every angsty, vulgarity filled supper/ void deck sessions. We may choose not to speak about it; trying to hoard all these memories selfishly, selectively sharing, while constantly replaying those scenes in our minds when nobody is watching.

There are some things in life that we do forget. Nobody is watching when you forget. The face of the childhood friend whom you haven’t seen for 6 years; ever since puberty decided unceremoniously to arrive without updating anyone of the ‘after’ pictures, causing an extremely embarrassing situation of your childhood friend walking away after you fail to recognise him. Birthdays and anniversaries. Quarrels and disagreements between friends. Past indiscretions by a boyfriend (not done to you of course). That people do change; sometimes a shadow of whom they used to be still lurks, sometimes though, just a shadow. Cool humidity of night in Singapore and how much you loved to take long walks with the bestie and then realize when you are tired and your legs mechanically moving that there’s no turning back from this long walk. You also forget how much it hurts to put your highest stake on the table, your heart, and to withdraw all bets before showing your hand. Showing your final cards was inconsequential. It was not a factor of having better or worse cards, either way no one won the game. Only truth in that game of cards, your opponent evidently had a better poker face than you did.

And when nobody is watching, you fill your own sorrows with words you have borrowed from your past. Words which you have told every friend that had been hurt in that game - love yourself, because no one will until you do. (Discreetly slips an object into a cream envelope and tucks it into chest pocket. A closer inspection of the cream envelope would have read, To be kept safe, till the next time.)

Silent battles & huge dustballs

Am having a conversation with myself, whether to eat kim chi flavoured instant noodles. Have not had those for ages. I love noodles. I did not even know myself till someone pointed it out to me that for almost every meal (when I first started my new job) that I would order noodle-related food. Who can resist hokkien mee, bah chor mee with extra hum (cockles), chilli, vinegar with chor bee hoon, char kway teow, laksa, lor mee, meesiam, mee rebus, mee goreng*. Most recently in Shanghai, it has been restricted to ramen and fried spring onion oil mixed noodles. Sidenote: Mom says noodles here taste different because they don't put ghee in their mixture.

(1 hour of silent mind boggling arguments later, noodles eaten, stomach bloated)

What tipped the scale?
Ans: Ikan bilis aka fried anchovies!!!

Now I just need a cuppa of expresso to help me shit so that I can still fit into that cheongsam next week.

P.S. Everything in italics is coincidentally what I'm gonna gobble up when I return to SG in 2 weeks. Note to all friends that expensive meals are not necessary, just search for the best of the above and bring me there. That's how easy I am *ROFL*

I also just learnt that expresso helps in digestion so would appreciate it if you force feed me those and drink one yourselves so that we can get high from caffeine and find a clean place to poop. That's what friends are for, through the good times and all the shit that follows. Literally.

...

Three arms stretched out in the cold air trying to use our palms to catch falling snowflakes.

"They look like huge dustballs." mom said. That's my mom.

I could not quite figure out if she wanted to sweep them up or was just simply in awe.

Too bad I couldn't take nice pics of snowflakes, they were almost like styrofoam or foam bubbles I used to see at Tanglin Mall every Christmas. Clearly seeing how wind directions were flowing; sometimes upwards, sometimes sideways, twirling and circling. Simply magical. Glorious sight to wake up to.

Mood: Sanguine

Small footsteps

Finally spoke to my dad about going back to school for my masters after I've burnt out from research in a few years. He gave his blessings and support. By virtue that I'm the one earning and giving him money now (arranging imaginary balls), I no longer need his approval for many choices; obtaining it was a comfort.

This afternoon while browsing through some website and speaking to the dementor (who toments me by the way with many difficult questions whenever we speak, so he qualifies as that and almost drives me to dementia); was wondering where all the money for the 2 year MPhil course was going to come from. No idea. If I go Europe it'll be at least 11,000Euro, excluding living expenses - which I plan to get from selling used panties in Japan and Germany through ebay (common denominator: perverse), so that's already well thought out. So maybe HKUST would be a more feasible choice, but the oh so small apartments, so claustraphobic. 'No ideas' then started to materialize after talking to my dad. Had a pile of money I'm not spending on anything! Wooohooooo! If I don't touch it, in 2-3 years I'll have enough to run away from the real world and officially be a bum! ermm I mean student. Student without responsbility is irresponsbly studious.

Am blabbering, having withdrawal symptoms from not watching tv. Parents have taken over tv room and I'm banished into my boring room. I hope teaching assistants where I'll be studying are cute though. One can always hope for the best *grin*