Ladies falling

This song's been on loop in my head after watching the L Word.

Cannonball - Damien Rice

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can’t say what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon..
Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to cry
So come on courage
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

缘

One of my oldest, most opposite of friends of whom I always share my encounters with guys and listen to her husband finding adventures with once asked me why I never write about the guys I meet. I don't want to lah...not that I meet many guys anyway and all harmless conversations, nothing juicy to entice you heh. Besides I hate girls who go on and on and on and on and on (you get the picture) about men and how they are nasty or shitty or gush over how sweet they are. Bah.

Recently though, I had my once-a-year-kindof-tryst (I hope this is not going to be so short term all the time). Instead of making it sound so sordid, I confess making a connection with someone. An excerpt with lovely Jas of what he's like went as follows...

"...one night just led to many more days and nights. He's really sweet to me, makes me breakfast, with him I feel young again. I can be 24 year old little girl. He doesn't feel he has an image to upkeep and is like a bumbling, awkward little boy and says all the wrong things at times. But we talk, listen and have many laughs. Have conversations where noone needs to be right 'cos he makes it lighthearted in the end."

The eventual leaving I can deal with, curtains have to be drawn on even to the best of shows, winter has to make way for spring. Again I'll be standing at the crossroads, all the memories will threaten to spill out but they are at the same time a anchor that stops me from saying anything; for fear that once anything is spoken, being overemotional would just mar all the other memories.

As I turn my back to hide all my tears, my heavy breaths will disappear with the winds and they will help me sing the song of sweet sorrow in their husky, soothing voices; sending you on your way on my behalf. Songs that sing to wish you never forget yourself, joy for life, happiness in your chosen path and contentment when you find it. Bye Something Stupid...

[Oversharing done. None of these mushy crap for a long time I hope.]

I should clarify my ambiguous posts. Some are an extension of self, some are what I'm really saying in my head so it comes out reading in an even mushier state and some are just pure fiction that happens in my life but i mix it around so much I'm not sure which version is real anymore. Does this make it less ambiguous? ;o)

Cleverly disguised

As she reached for the glasses on the top cabinet, she felt her presence hovering, assuming. Her hands were there, even before she knew it would be. Torrid, it would be described. The affair was intense, dangerous, on the brink of insanity. There was to be no boundaries in this game, no rules, only vulnerability. Each would tell their inner circle they were happy, but there were many types of bottled happiness that were sold. Theirs were sold in sticks, as they inhaled and exhaled in unison in bed, they saw smoke meld and interwine, then disappear. Smoke, faded; but their feelings could not be hidden, not between their warm flesh and cold sheets.

"I wish you were just beautiful and not smart. It would have made things much easier" one of them whispered. "I just want to be a good girlfriend." she lightly breathed in return. "To whom?" And to that, only silence reverberated. In that moment, it was louder than any noise that existed.

A good girlfriend to the married doctor; the sweet, slightly plump boyfriend; the shy and bumbling colleague that was silently waiting, to bring her a cup of coffee.

...

It wasn't as if too much of her that went into this demon; she still smiled at jokes, cried at movies, went squeemish at sink lizards, had her breath taken away by defiant, proud trees. All feelings. But loneliness was like cyanide slipped into a euthanasia patient's drink; slowly, tastelessly delivering sweet, painless death - it flirted with her shadow first, then unrelentlessly and leisurely seduced her soul into surrender.

The room was dark as his hands reached for hers; loneliness' grasp on her left reluctantly as it went on to seek and possess another empty vessel. He had repossessed her the way loneliness had for the past two years. Pinning her back onto the bed, every thrust, pushed a little of that clingy half-demon out of her. If loneliness was opulence to be desired by the world, he was all things simple and good to be recognised only by some.

After the shivers subsided from being pried open, she decided to write. Write about sadness, confusion and cleverly disguised lies.

...

Running away from addiction

Just realized today how much I really missed having someone in the same bed, holding hands and being hugged when I just need to cry.

Thankfully New Year is around the corner, everything can start anew.

Daily Alerts

Finally get a time to breath today or rather this whole week. Haven't been able to sleep properly cos it's just one project another without any proper time to plan or think. Back to old sleeping habits of resisting sleep, think this always happens when there are too many things to do and my brain is secretly hoping that tomorrow will never come.

...

I'm one of those that am obsessive (what's new) about checking email. I love receiving mail, whether its electronic or snail, it just gets me excited and itching to reply almost immediately (except work mail, of course). Recently in my school email there's been many many many erection ahem...enhancement related mailers, well not that I need any. Then, being the news whore I was glancing through the SMU Daily Alerts where they inserted a link to a future SMU student. Her well..letter. Sortof.

I do not think Singapore will see a repeat of the Maria Hertogh incident - just ask the rac-ist bloggers who were jailed. Race-specific socio-economic problems, usually the root of racial distrust, are also long gone as equal opportunities abound for all races.

The diverse backgrounds of most schools also inculcate inter-cultural awareness in our school-children. Nevertheless, we should never take racial harmony for granted.

The education authorities may disagree but I feel that placing too much emphasis on one's Mother Tongue will create ethnic enclaves. Having studied in a Special Assistance Plan secondary school, I had few, if any, schoolmates of other ethnicities. It thus becomes easy to develop wrong and stereotypical views of other races in this homogeneous environment.

A quick check on the world wide web revealed that Special Assistance Schools were formed as a measure to ensure biculturalism as well as ensure certain amount of Chinese-ness (language, culture etc.) was not lost. Guess I just felt a little sad by what she said. I used to be from a school with quite alot of Malays and Indian classmates and I don't think my teenage years would be the same without their crazy and wacky antics. I try to keep in touch with some of them but sometimes it just so hard. Despite that, there are always always many fond memories when we do bump into the street. For many Hari Rayas even in university I would invite myself to a malay friend's house for a yummilicious meal and hang out with her funny, eogistic second brother. Till now, even when we meet, there's no distance between us (though she is in Phuket :P). Even at my old workplace I would enjoy hanging out during lunch with a malay tudung wearing lady who was just so chilled and packed with a mean sense of humour. Eating malay food everyday was not a problem *salivating* But I'm still very chinesey (ok lah maybe not very chinesey, but not others either) in many of the things I like. KTV must sing chinese soppy love songs, speaking in broken mixture of dialects, zi char, pork lard (only if I don't see it), overall very proud to be chinese. I am this and I can be that. Sometimes it's just difficult to not see myself as a consistent, unidimensional person. Life is much simpler and easier to see people and ourselves in one plane. I like this, I don't like that, that gives me the creeps, that bloody bitch. At times, I'll just fall into the trap of not thinking deeper, but I'll quickly catch myself. Heuristics and stereotypes are for the lazy and unmotivated. There's no melange of colours or shades to differentiate life if we hold on to stereotypes. Heuristics I still need, he helps me to decide what to eat for lunch and what to wear hahaha...and to tell me oei, stop personifying words, you're sounding too much like a stressed up-workaholic researcher.

快乐 up for RMB5~SOLD!

Bought two sticks of 快乐, they were on sale on Wangfujing Pedestrian street. They're everywhere in fact, especially during winter. Red, juicy and glistening under the lamps, I gleefully bit into its irresistable, sweet hardness of melted sugar. Only to be delighted by crunchy sourness of haw; both opposites complimenting each other. Then, my heart's desire and quota for happiness for that day exploded in my mouth and I let out a small giggle while Tina looked at me strangely. "I'm just happy. Eating this makes me happy." I explained. She hesitated for a second, then grinned in return.

***

Beijing is like its buildings, little block boxes laid on top of each other to make semblance of a building. Squarish, unimaginative, but straightforward. Even the bare trees that line the roads out from the airport look defian and strong； and the winds blew a devil-may-care attitude. Almost saying, this is who I am, take me as I am. 哪种味道, 就是这样。

My pink wig is miffed

Got angry today, actually just a little miffed at actions of some people judging people they hardly know. It wasn't as serious as judging, guess it was just childish, secondary school, I think she likes him-they were holding hands so quickly-maybe he likes her-she's probably going to sleep with him speculation kind of judging with all those eyes crossing and re-crossing. Pissed the hell out of me because the person they were referring to is a friend as well. So what if she's going to sleep with him? It's none of your business. Really. After that I did tell one of them, but the other I just couldn't. Sometimes it's little things that irk me. And telling boy that he has a 'last chance' with woman when it's quite clear boy just likes her company? (Crossing and re-crossing eyes, how cutesey and juvenile can it get?!!). Just an accumulation of converstions that revolve around pairing up people in our (already small group) of friends just gets on my nerves. Bloody silliporeans.

But...I'm still damn chirpy, not just of 2 gin tonics..the secret lies in the pink wig.

McFood, McCalories and McDenial

I've been replacing 2 meals with one meal. Macdonalds fries and burger for breakfast and lunch. Works well so far, i haven't gotten hungry (or maybe too busy to think about eating). People even said I lost weight! So today on the menu is small fries + McFish, then found out it was slightly less than 600 calories! Woooohooooo! I have another 600 calories to go for dinner yah ;) But then I'm happily sipping toffee nut latte while preparing for a presentation (in just-enough-time-for-me-to-freak-out hours time) which I'm sure has a giganormously generous serving of syrup. Which then means I'm spoiling my so-called diet after all. Bah*

Sentence finishing exercise: It's so cold......

...the gravy of my chicken noodle solidified in 15min.

他昨晚浮现在我梦里. 梦里的我们既是朋友又是发萌的情人.
牵手中带有羞涩的表情. 梦里淋漓尽致的情景就仿佛把两年前幻想一一成全.

那个烛光以过,我也不想作他的情人.
但现实中,无法释怀的是我们不再是朋友.
在现实中,心里摸索彼此之间的关心.一切盡在不言中.
只有在梦里等下一次走到交叉口,在另一种灯光下,季节转换的逢中,倾诉累积的心语.

i am soooo pissed

trust eem to blog even though i'm pissed.

am swaying as i type this.

got picked up by weird danish man.
gawd

my boss is sooo cool and funny.
always have fun when i'm with her.
transexxuals, traveling, one month holidays. she asks me to do it all. support man that's what i need.

ok shopping tm. single digit temperatures. is there such a thing as a drunken sober person cos i got myself home just fine. no puking (thank god). i'm close thgouh i thiink. am so bad at drinking....i used to be able to drink wine after win after wine...

ok am done with this post. need o drink more water. byeeeeeeeeeeeeegeereee

A rose any angle looks just as sweet

A rose any angle looks just as sweet


lo-mantic hor

More here

Morbid thoughts

When I die, please send the link of this blog to my parents. I must have written somewhere how much I love them. I know they know but I need to know they know. Though I dunno how I will know they know since I don't know if I'll be spiritually around.

Will to follow later. I don't have ASSets, but I have an ASS-load of shite that I have accumulated over thy years of incessant hoarding. Books (many many many, I kid you not), stickers (mainly neo-prints), cds, hamsters, 2 lomos, drawings and prints (not by me lah), ipod (suck up to me now to get it!) and soft toys. Unfortunately, no money. I have very little of that, it will have to go to charities and family (whatever is left anyway after I'm done traveling wuahahahah...).

P.s. not to worry, not planning to kick the bucket anytime soon. Just using the word 'when' because I've accepted it as just part of how everything works. We are born, live and die. And I guess really the key word here is live.

schmetals, petals, bah!

This and this made me sad today

Electric

My second attempt at running lights