At the end...it's all about love

Well...not my family but my very friendly a-yi (domestic helper) for the past year. This morning while I was surfing, she asked me if I noticed a red bump on the side of her nose. I thought she wanted to show me a huge zit and was waiting for her description of how it came about. What really came about was that the 'huge zit' was an outcome of a fight with her husband.

For the past few Saturdays we have known she was feeling down because she had found out that her husband had been having an affair. She had never spoken about it and we had thought inappropriate to ask. (For my non-chinese friends, there's a saying about never hanging your dirty linen in public = It may be an open secret, but noone speaks of it; you almost have to deal with it yourself or with your family). Coming back to her, I asked about her fight and kept silent to listen to her. It was like listening to a Hong Kong drama serial (to lucky, spoilt brats like me that come from loving families). Apparently the affair was just the tip of the iceberg of the whole drama. After splitting up with the girl (which was 18 years old and they met on the internet!!!), he returned to Shanghai with my ah-yi and has been playing mahjong all day long!!! Even his brother-in-law who had constantly asked him to go for a bricklayer's job had given up. Not only that, he had previously failed in his entrepreneurial activities and owed 50,000RMB (6,000 SGD) and according to village interest rates, it accumulates 1,000RMB each year that this wasn't paid - now the amount is about 70,000RMB. Imagine that! And throughout it all my ah-yi has stayed by his side, working her back off in Shanghai, away from their so.

In spite of pouring her woes (not explicitly about money), all my mind was boggled about was these mental calculations of what she might earn each month.On weekdays, assuming 2 households and 3 hours each for 10RMB per hour and weekends 3 households for the same amount of time; it would come up to less than 2000RMB a month! That's not including the 400RMB she needs to pay for housing. So little to work around and she still has to deal with the unfaithful husband's rubbish and unrepentant ways! So back to the fight....she had thrown all his clothes out of the window, but he calmly picked all of them up and came back to the door asking to be let in. She was standing there ready with a vegetable knife, ready stop to him from entrance into her life ever again. And like a drama, he closed his eyes, put forth his neck near her knife in silent defiance - take my life if you want. Knowing through their ten years of marriage she would never hurt him. Sly, sly sly! Ah-yi was at her wit's end when she asked me what she should do, divorce or not.

Repeating this constantly as her mantra as if to believe in it, "If he leaves right at this moment, maybe I will not be able to eat for a few days. After all, we have been husband and wife for over ten years, we have love between us. But if this drama carries on, I know I'll be unhappy. Being unhappy for a short time, is better than if this is a long drawn torture."

And as abruptly as she started to talk about 'zit' drama, she stopped and went about cleaning. Half an hour later and a phone call that sent her shouting over the phone, she returned and spoke in soft tones, "he's going to Hangzhou right now. I don't know what is he going to do there, I don't believe him, maybe he's going off with that girl again. You know all the time when he was in Ningbo (with that girl), he would call me everyday, ask me to take care of myself and to ask if I had eaten well. Even when we fight now, cook meals for me and wait for me to return to have dinner".

"I think I will be upset for awhile now that he's gone and not be able to eat for a few days. This is the better alternative." As optimistic as I knew she was, I don't think she was convinced of her words either. At that point, I knew it wasn't the fear of being burden by his debts after divorce or his gambling ways. The affair by her 'loving' husband had crushed her and with all the thin threads of love holding her life together she had been able to get through with little. But what now? All the happiness she knew with him is frayed and unraveled.

Inspired by Singapore

This is what music teachers should be like...totally talented & passionate about the subject you teach. In Part 1 of TalkingCock in Parliament, he played 3-4 instruments accompanied by the soundtrack of Secret Garden.

And for a short history of Singapore, listen to Hossan Leong song (it helps if you know a little Singlish, if not, google)

(blank and empty)

Haven't been able to keep up with many people (minus those I religiously msn/gtalk) and it is eating me up. Catalysed by a non-invitation, non-informed trip (it's not the non-invitation that bothers me, but I thought she would have at least asked instead of it coming up in a casual conversation when I'm asking if she's free to go for C's birthday). For my friends in Shanghai I am a disppearing act from work and having boyfriend. Unconsciously it makes me feel I need to choose one or the other. Do some some automatically assume I spend all my living, breathing hours with him? Though it does not in any way mean friends are any less important. Maybe this phase is where I go to get drinks or pubs less, it's probably because I need energy for the rest of the week to deal with work shit. I care though, to listen to you but not in a pub where I have to vie for your attention and strain my ears to hear you.

Then it makes me feel guilty...guilty that maybe I haven't shown that I want to listen. Trust me, I do. No matter how late, or how in between lunches, or in between toilet breaks, or coffee cups, or between email lines.

Fill in te alpabets

Someow tis mornin, some of my alpabets on my laptop decided to o on strike.

I ope to be able to neotiate and come to an areement to et tem to work aain. Tey better not reject my offer, else tere will be ell to pay from my tired finers and eyes wic will ave to elp to fill in missin letters later.

Excerpt from email

"You know it is love when you want to share everything with her, even her pain. You know it is love when you can't stop thinking about her. You know it is love when you'd rather be in a relationship but apart than not in a relationship at all. But, most of all, you know it is love when your happiness is dependant upon hers. At least that's how I know."

I know one of my purpose is to make u always happy, always smile...

Melt.

Preserved vegetables of Hanoi

Had a little adventure - my luggage didn't arrive with me the first day. It was left in hong kong cos I only had less than one hour stopover because the fucking secretary was not only stupid, she was lazy to check the time difference when booking my flight. Very unglamourous traveller was I; who frantically washed her underwear with soap; sans make up to work (praying clients won't be there to wonder why a dirtbag with funny smell is listening to the research). Whoever said biz travelling is fun must be joking.

Other than that, I really like Hanoi. Very simple, open and laidback, much like Thai people. There's alot of Chinese influence here because the China government supported the North to fight against US forces. Its traces are left in the architecture, buddhism belief in moderation as a way of life and mindset of the people - the men, chauvinistic and stoic; face having to be upheld that the women suffer a pretty hard life under the men. They play multiple roles (as such is with most of SE asia) of mother, wife, caretaker of parents & parents-in-law, she is the master of detail - all details of life. While the man has 'bigger picture' to preoccupy himself with, which is basically - nothing much other than bringing back the dough :P Even my translator who is a Hanoi woman jokes if it is the right decision to have married her husband. She shared with me that she will raise her son differently, to encourage him in the future to share the household chores with his wife; she doesn't want her future daughter-in-law to lead a similar hard life as her. Their feminine wiles stripped away by reality of living day by day in drudgery, they accept their lives and try to find optimism, especially for their children. This is totally in contrast to my moderater Lien Phuong (pronounced as Lian Feng) who lives in Ho Chi Minh city (south). Her eyes shine brightly, full of energy as she speaks of her daughter who she is trying to raise to be a woman - both feminine, not overly independant and hard to ensure she is never too independant, whose mirror sibling is can be loneliness; yet able to be decisive and choose her life away from being under the thumb of a man. Same with her son who is to be born in July, he should be a man to take care of the family, using his strength to protect and not to oppress. A precarious balance this is... And this may be the ideal role of a man and woman, each embracing their root character, complementing each gender.

But we all agree: the smartest woman is one that pretends to be a little dumb and uses her feminine wiles intelligently to soothe her man's ego by making him feel useful and strong, yet slowly persuading, shifting him to her way.

I ate at a small stall near the research agency I was with but stuck to hot steaming pho (fur with silent 'R'). No preserved stuff or silkworms...for me although I was tempted to try but will not risk it seeing there will be another three more days of work to go. Will just have to behave. It is amazing to me though, that preserved vegetables are served at food stalls - reminds me when I was young preserved vegetables was a familiar whiff in Chinatown - it means food is never wasted.

Motorcycles in Vietnam are like bicycles are to China. Public transportation slow and infrequent, everyone wants to be in better control of their time. So motorcycles are everywhere, weaving through the traffic recklessly. Families of four traveling to and from work, girls hugging their lovers tightly while cruising, farmers transporting a cage of piglets at the back.

Such is life here, strong tasting like preserved vegetables leaving a lingering taste on your tongue; you try to savour its simple taste like how you will want to remember everything about Hanoi.

Dance classes & animals

Been attending dance classes with my colleagues and now I know why many dances are named after animals that's because I vary from looking like a:

1) gorrila - hanging hands and trying to bounce to the rhythm
2) crab - shifting two steps to the left in 1 beat
3) flailing flamingo - the finishing hand movement of punching fists

It has been good exercise and very fun and not as easy as it looks. Plus it is very liberating because you try to control your leg at the same time imitate hip hop sey (translation from Singlish: stylized moves). There's really time for your brain to react and tell you to be embarrassed . No wonder cultures that are rooted in dance are so expressive and happy, they look at each other dance weird and laugh.

Nytimes is my psychic!

While one of my bosses waits for her horoscope reader to reveal her next steps in her career, NYtimes has taken upon the role to appoint herself my resident psychic. No faster had I had the same conversation with DL about priorities, work crazies, frantic appointments with people and personal projects; Nytimes publishes this.

One way to wrestle back control is to take a hard look at our priorities, he said, “to decide what matters.” This does not necessarily mean big career changes or moving from Manhattan to rural Vermont. It can also be figuring out in small, but significant ways how to scale down frantic to manageable.

A week that names days

Got this in a company email informing us about holidays in Philippines.

April 5 – Maundy Thursday
April 6 – Good Friday
April 7 – Black Saturday
April 8 – Easter Sunday

Comes as a coincidence as I have been naming my days too! Finally Friday, Frisky Friday, Wild Wednesday, Hump Wednesday, Terrible Tuesday, Moody Mondays...just to name a few.

UPDATE!
Wednesday is often referred to as "hump day" because of its position as the middle day of the work week. If the work week were a hill. Then Wednesday would be the crest. It is all down hill from there. (Whether the down hill ride is a coast or a descent into a swamp is left to the individual.)

More information on hump wednesday can be found here.

Undeserving

Didn't get into that much trouble as I expected handing in a report on the day itself. Luckily I even got a 'well done' for it.

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Leading and guiding people at work, one more older & more experienced at their work than me. I don't know where to begin.

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Having someone you love magnify how selfish you had been and how giving he has been.