Sureness in uncertainty

She finally updated on her situation, so now I can legitimately write to her without feeling I just chanced about a dark secret. Really, it's not, by the way she puts it.

"many people have told me i'm being brave. but really it's not being scared in the first place. public speaking scares me more than shaving my head. when i do public speaking i'm forced to be brave by circumstances - like i need to make the grade for something. but going through this is not being brave. literally just taking it each day as it comes. i don't know what tomorrow will be like and if it will be the same as today or yesterday. but the fact of the matter is i'm not scared. it's not defiance either. for whatever reason i'm just not afraid. and it's not about pride or anything. just know that somehow it will be ok whatever the outcome."

Have quoted an excerpt from Tuesdays with Morrie many times to friends - only when you learn how to die, will you truly learn how to live. And still, oftentimes I fight this natural logic. Trying hard to reason, answer whys and straighten out the uncertain creases in my life. The fear for living really is stemming from being scared about not making the grade. Except we're trying hard to make the grade with ourselves. One hand hits us with the cane of rationality, the other feels the invisible pain of with-holding. When actually with a large broth of reason, large sprinkles of forgiveness, compassion and constantly adding quartered cubes of not-taking-myself-too-seriously to take away the astringency of pride - intuitively we are able to make decisions best for ourselves and people who love us.

And casually, before you know it, it will be ok whatever the outcome.